Kayla Grace Kovanda

Here I sit in a quiet, empty house, with my sweet baby girl sleeping soundly in her bassinet. So, blog, here I go...

Our beautiful miracle baby was born last Wednesday, September 1st at 8:52pm! She weighed 5lbs, 11 oz and was 19 inches long.

The last 10 days have been some of the most incredible days of my life. Maybe I am in the "honeymoon" phase of being a new mom, but I love everything about being a mom. Snuggles with my sweet girl, even the late night feedings and sleepless nights. It's all worth it when I look into her eyes and am reminded each time that life is truly a gift-and one that we can't or shouldn't take for granted.

May 1st of this year, we weren't sure if we would ever get to hold and love on our sweet girl. We committed her into the Lord's hands each day and prayed that we would have the privilege and opportunity to get to raise her. God always answers our prayers-but sometimes they are not as WE would hope. Just 4 months later, on September 1st, He answered our prayers as we had hoped as we welcomed her into this world.

He answered our prayers in more ways than we could have hoped for. I feel unworthy and so blessed to have this opportunity. Each time I look at her, I just can't believe He has entrusted her to us. What a privilege and responsibility.

It is strange not being pregnant. Besides the stress of not knowing if everything was going to be ok, I really loved being pregnant. It was such an amazing experience to feel her growing and moving inside me. Now, sometimes, I look at where my belly was and wonder if it will move. Ha!

My labor and delivery went pretty well. We ended up going up to the hospital in the very early hours of the morning on the 1st because I was having really bad upper abdominal pain, and I wasn't sure what it was. By the time we got to the hospital, I was having more contractions, but baby's heart rate dropped. The doctor didn't want me to go home as I was over 38 weeks. And of all weeks...my doctor was on vacation. After all we had been through-and now he wasn't here to deliver my baby. I was devastated, but realized that everything happens in God's timing, and for some reason, His timing was for us to have this baby without our doctor. We were so thankful for Dr. Hilton, though-he was great!

Anyway, I had to be induced, which baby's heart rate didn't like. I was taken off the pit at one point for her to recover. I labored for a few hours without my epidural, but with the pit, the contractions were coming really intensely, every 2ish minutes. He said it could take all day. I decided at that point that if I wanted to have any energy left for delivery, I needed some medication! Dr. Fern was right, though. He said the pain I experienced from my ovarian torsion would be worse than my labor and delivery. I would take the labor and delivery pain over my torsion pain any day!

Once we let her heart rate recover, they put me back on the pit and increased it very slowly. It took most of the day to dialate from a 2 to a 4. By 7pm, the doctor came and broke my water. Within 10 minutes, I was dilated to a 9! Things started happening very fast. There are several details I don't really need to go in to, but I ended up pushing for about an hour and a half, and Kayla arrived at 8:52pm! I was so thankful to have had her vaginally. There were several points throughout the day that pointed to us possibly having a c-section. Let's just say it was a very real possibility. I ended up having a placental abruption (which is what was causing my bleeding all day), and that was another reason he wanted to get my labor going.

She is beautiful. She is loved. Her grandparents and aunt and uncle were there to welcome her into this big world. Mommy's heart couldn't get any fuller than when I watched her daddy hold her and then give her to me for the first time. I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

So for now, we eat, we sleep and she poops a lot. :) We love. And then love some more. We count it all joy for we know that "every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the father of lights" James 1:17

Lots of thoughts today...

I don't know how to begin this entry...there are so many things going through my mind.

This week there will be some big changes in not only our family, but our extended family! My new little niece or nephew will be entering the world any day now! I can't wait to hold and squeeze and love on that little one! We continue to pray for their safe arrival, and for the entire family as they adjust to 4 little ones around now!! Justin and Bridgett are amazing parents, and it is so neat to see how God has blessed them with three wonderful children already!

I will be completely off bed rest on Friday. This is a very strange thing to think about. For 16 weeks (basically 4 months) I have either been on complete bed rest or modified bed rest. I haven't ran my vacuum, or done any cleaning besides what I can easily get to on the surface. I haven't worked in my yard, put together the nursery, or done any canning. I haven't driven anywhere besides to the pool, and haven't been grocery shopping, or much of any shopping for that matter! I haven't worked out, or ran. But, with my mom, mother-in-law, sister and husband's help, a lot has gotten done.

I have learned to let people help me. This is a hard concept for me. I thrive on helping and serving others-it is a way I speak love to people. To accept help has always been a hard and foreign concept to me. I have tended to feel guilty or that I needed to repay someone if they helped me out. But these past four months, I have learned that it is actually a gift to let people help you, and it's really an act of selfishness when you are too proud to ask for or allow help. When you allow someone else to help you-it not only blesses you, but blesses them because they WANT to serve you.

I have done a few projects: worked on my picture books, done some crocheting and cross stitching, read books and magazines, slowing organized parts of the house. I have been "shopping" at Babies R Us in a wheelchair, and been to several doctor appointments in Spokane. I have read to and prayed over our little girl.

To know I will basically have no restrictions after Friday is exciting and scary all at the same time. Exciting, because I can't wait to finish putting her room together, do some more of her laundry, and get our home ready for baby. Exciting because I can hopefully check a few things off my "list" before she comes. Exciting because that means we could be meeting our baby girl any day!

Scary for some of the same reasons above. I am not scared for labor for me, but for her. Just nervous and hoping that everything will go ok and that I will be able to deliver, even with my weakened body state. Nervous that something will happen during labor--and that I really have no control over any of it. But this is where my trust and faith must step in. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. The Lord has brought us to this point, and He won't give us anything more than He knows we can handle.

It is also an interesting concept to wrap my mind around the fact that I won't have to be nervous when I start getting contractions after Friday. Now, I'm up for a couple hours in the morning, and then I have to be down. If I"m up for too long in the afternoon/evening, I start getting more and more contractions-and after Friday, I won't have to sit down when that happens! It will be like retraining my body/mind.

I've also been thinking a lot about the baby we lost last year. A part of my heart will always ache for that little one that we won't meet until heaven someday. This baby doesn't "replace" him or her--and it's so hard when people ask "is this your first?" Sometimes I respond with "we lost one last year" and sometimes I say "yes" because I just don't want to explain myself. But this is our second child, and that is how I see it. When I see babies that are 10 months old (or around that age) right now, I think of our sweet baby. While I am so thrilled to meet this little girl, it only continues to remind me of how much I miss our first little one.

There are other things on my heart as well, but I suppose this is getting long, and you all don't want to know about ever detail of my life. I think I just needed a sounding board this morning. Thank you to each one of you who are so important to us! It has definitely been kind of a "lonely" time for me, and I appreciate all of you who keep pursing me!

I know our lives are about to dramatically change-and we couldn't be more excited. We just hope and pray that the Lord gives us wisdom in knowing what to do in this next stage of life!

What's in a Name?

Our time is finally nearing of getting to meet our sweet baby girl! We are beyond thrilled and can not wait!

Although, we still can not settle on a name. This just seems like such a BIG decision, you know?! We are choosing what this girl will be know by. What people will call her, what she will say when she introduces herself.

Will it fit her?
Will people be able to spell and pronounce it?
Will it be "cute" while she is young, yet "cool" when she is in Jr. High, and still "professional" when she goes to interview for her first job?
Will it have a special meaning--especially with all that she has already been through?
Will it go well with her married name someday?
Will she like it?

How do you make that final decision? That's where we are at. We have several that we like, and that we feel like would fit her, but we just can't make that final decision. I don't really want to wait to "see" her, because she will look like whatever we decide to name her, right?

Ah, just one of the many decisions you get to make as a parent. But I feel like this is a big one-and I don't want to mess it up! Any suggestions out there?!?! :)

Only a few weeks left...in fact, we could start counting days! 8 more of modified bed rest--and then who knows when she will make her appearance! Let's just hope we can get her name picked out soon!!

Mrs. Buck

My kindergarten teacher passed away this last month. She was a dear lady with a huge heart. I also had the privilege of growing up with her in my church and neighborhood, so I knew her on several different levels.

I was unable to attend her memorial service, but am so thankful to know that she is in a better place, where she is no longer suffering. It is just a temporary goodbye for us here on earth, but we will see her again!

Over the past few weeks, I have been thinking about the impact she has had on my life. Have you ever really stopped to think about the importance of a kindergarten teacher? It's probably the teacher we remember and thank the least, but is one of the most important.

They are you first real connection to the world outside of your family.

That first day of kindergarten I had no idea what to expect. Would I miss home? Would I make friends? What would I learn? I timidly walked into the classroom, found my desk and said goodbye to my mom. Would I ever see her again?! I looked around at all the faces, and saw so many of them with the same concerns and questions!

To be honest, there are very few things I remember about kindergarten. I remember learning letters and numbers, nap time, recess-you know, all the important things in life, right?

Most of all, though, I remember my teacher. She was patient, kind, gentle, loving, patient (did I mention that?) and cared about EACH one of us. She was a teacher because she cared about us-she loved us as if we were her own kids. She invested in us. She showed us what life was like outside our homes and started us on this amazing journey called school. She determined whether or not we moved onto that next big stage of going to school EVERY day (1st grade).

Did I ever really thank her? You know-REALLY thank her-for the impact she had on my life? Did I ever really let her know how grateful I was to her for all that she did for me in that very impressionistic year of my life?

I don't know if I did. Now I will have to wait till heaven-and by then, it won't really matter. So I hope today, as she is looking down on us that she can know how grateful I am to her and all that she did for me.

Thank a teacher today--I know that sounds so cliche--but honestly--thank one of those teachers that has had an impact on your life, for you never know when you might not have the chance.

Thank you Mrs. Buck for the impact you had on my life, and for all the lessons (school & life) that you taught me!

Preggo pictures!

4 months-20 weeks

5 months-24 weeks

6 months-28 weeks

7 months-32 weeks

So I have had some requests for pictures on here, so I will attempt to do better. Here is the pregnancy progression, if you will! We had a good report on Friday again-she is just measuring about a week and a half small. So I get to eat ice cream! Yep, that's what he told me!

I am continuing to swim, and really enjoying the "exercise." So thankful she is 34 weeks old on Friday! Three more weeks, and then I am considered full term, and won't have to have any restrictions! Yay! We set up the bassinet this weekend, and we can't wait for her to use it!

The Night

So I think I have forgotten what it is like to sleep through the night. I suppose this is a good thing since you don't get to do that when you have a newborn anyway! I haven't slept through the night since about week 6. :)

The surgery just heightened that, as I have been told I need to be drinking at least 3 quarts of water a day-post surgery. Plus, baby has been head down, dropped, in position since about week 28. This calls for a few trips to the restroom in the middle of the night.

I have to laugh because it is definitely God's way of preparing moms to be up all night!

Nighttime is strange. I've never really thought too much about it until I've been up in it more often. It is strange how the same rooms, in the same house can take on a completely different effect. You can feel so alone, as it seems like the whole world is sleeping while you are not. I read an interesting section in my devotional book the other day that kind of pertained to this. It has had me thinking, so I thought I would just type it here rather than try and explain it:

"Sleep deprivation is one of the tools Satan uses to gain control over our thoughts. Fatigue increases feelings of frustration and irritability. Often at night we feel alone because the distractions of the day are gone. We are separated from friends and family. It is then that the prince of darkness makes his strongest attacks on our faith. He will use those times when we are most vulnerable to lure us into darkness.

It is in the dark times of life that we discover the depth of our relationships withe the Lord. Do we trust Him even when we can't see any evidence of His presence? Do we know He is there even when the silence muffles His voice?"

Then she goes on to talk about why it is important that we have scripture memorized, to combat this "darkness." Some interesting thoughts...

I think this is very fitting, not only for pregnant/new moms who aren't getting much sleep, but for anyone else that might suffer from sleep deprivation!

How thankful I am that we are not "alone" ever-that we always have the presence of the Lord with us even in the darkest (literally) times of life!

That's all from me at this sleep deprived state at midnight!

Swimming!

We had a good doctor's report last Friday, and everything is still looking good. The best news is that he gave me permission to go swimming! I was so excited because after laying around for 11 weeks, I am starting to feel very weak-in ways I never have before. It's a strange feeling.

So, I was so excited that he told me I could go to the pool. I am still on modified bed rest-for me-meaning I can get up a few hours a day-depending on how I'm feeling and how the contractions are coming on.

I've had a few scary days-where I have more than I should, but my body seems to always calm down. We are so thankful for each week that passes-meaning that Cupcake has grown that much more.

I LOVE being pregnant-
I love feeling her move
I love knowing that God has chosen me as a vessel to grow this baby for His purposes
I love feeling her kicks, jabs and stabs-knowing that she is growing stronger with each one
I love the blessing that God has allowed us to become pregnant, and stay pregnant through all that we have been through
I love that I can talk and sing to her-knowing that she hears me
I love it when other people want to talk to her or feel her move
I love that she is almost 32 weeks old, and that we are 11 weeks out from surgery-she is a FIGHTER!
I love that God has a big plan for this little one, and that we are blessed to be a part of that

The only part I don't love is the moments when I am having a lot of contractions, and so it sends me into the state of "mommy worry." :) Then I am reminded that I don't need to worry-I just need to trust and have faith that God IS in control-of EVERY detail, and every moment.

Other than that-I am loving every moment-and cherishing it-as I know there are so many women out there who don't get the chance to feel what this miracle is like. My heart aches for them, and I pray that I will never take the miracle of pregnancy for granted.

My Hubby-the Love of my Life!

Three years ago today I was preparing to marry my best friend, better half and the love of my life! We were talking about it last night, and in some ways it seems like it has been so much longer than that (not in a bad way)! We have been through quite a bit in the last three years, and there is no way I would have made it without him!

Ben is my biggest fan, supporter and steadfast man! God blessed me so much when he gave Ben to me. We all know I can tend to be the type A, driven person, and Ben is so good for me in that way, he helps balance me out. He is a quiet leader and a man of God. I am honored to have him as my husband and the father of my children. I only hope I continue to grow to be the kind of wife that supports and loves him daily.

We have grown a lot in the past three years. For most people, their biggest adjustments are over finances, combining households, in-laws, etc, but those things haven't been as big of adjustments as some of the other things that have come our way. I am thankful that God sees the bigger picture and that He only has His BEST in mind for us, and because of this, we can get through whatever comes our way! I know we can accomplish more together than we ever could apart, and that is the beauty of marriage!

As I reflect on the past three years, these are some of the things we have experienced as a married couple: (warning, could be in random order!)

Being students of each other-learning about each other's love languages
Purchasing a home in Boise
Honeymoon trip to Mexico
My stressful (but wonderful) job in Boise
Ben surviving lay-offs at his job in Boise
Re-doing our master bedroom in Boise
Developing deep and meaningful friendships with other couples and singles that will last our lifetime
Re-landscaping our entire yard in Boise (by hand...no farm equipment there!)
Finding a home church in Boise
Deciding to quite my job in Boise
Spending as much time with family as possible
Ben deciding to take a new job at WSU
Packing up our house into a UHAUL one year after we moved in
Un-packing our house into my parent's garage for 3 months
Spending the summers on the Palouse driving harvest truck
Finding renters for our home in Boise
Several trips to Montana to visit family and celebrate our marriage
Me learning to drive a motorcycle
Motorcycle trips
Selling our motorcycle
Celebrating our one year anniversary in San Diego!
Spending our second anniversary together serving on a missions trip to Guatemala
A trip to Mexico for Christmas with the Morgan family
Learning and developing new hobbies together: water-skiing (Ben), playing games, fishing, cooking
Staring another business-Pampered Chef
Finding out we were going to be parents for the first time!
Loosing our first child
Getting our first dog and cat
Loosing our first dog and cat
Remodeling an over 100 year old home together (with the help of others!!)
Landscaping our yard in Pullman (with the help of family and TRACTORS this time!)
Getting involved in our church in Colfax
Developing and deepen new and existing relationships with friends in the Palouse
Various trips to Seattle, Oregon, Boise
Celebrating with several friends while they tie the knot!
Ben starting a new job at WSU
Ben surviving lay offs and a job transition at WSU
Purchasing new vehicles together-and selling vehicles together
Missing our friends in the Boise area very much
Becoming pregnant again-it's a girl!
Surgery during pregnancy
Bed rest and modified bed rest for...well, 9 weeks now...6-7 more to go!
Learning how to communicate and share with one another at a deep level
Dreaming about the future

Through all of these events and more, we have grown because of our commitment to each other and to God. It hasn't always been easy, and some of the "whys" we will never know, but we strive to grow through each circumstance He brings our way. We pray our marriage honors God and each other as we go through this journey called life. I can only imagine what lies in store for us for the next 53 years!

I love you hubby! Thank you for choosing ME!!

Decaf Skinny Vanilla Latte

So today I had a follow up appointment for the cyst removal on my eyebrow. Things looks pretty good. There might still be some in there, but he wants me to wait for awhile and see what it does. Ugh.

BUT...I drove myself to my appointment! I don't know if I was "approved" to do that, but I did. Do you know how much freedom I felt?! I haven't driven in 8 weeks and while I am learning to be content being "down," there was something about being able to get in my own car and drive myself to town. Sometimes I feel trapped by my own home. I can imagine this is how moms that stay home probably feel at times, so maybe it is a nice preparation for that.

Anyway, I decided since I was in town I would limit myself to two other "errands." I went to the bank, and went to Safeway. Wow-who knew one could miss the grocery store. I picked myself up some new magazines and treated myself to a Starbucks decaf skinny vanilla latte (sorry Daily Grind, I was already at Safeway). Oh yum!

Not quite as good as the "real" thing, but what a treat! My glucose test results were high, so I am now watching what I eat more closely, and pretty much cutting out sweets in my diet. Ugh again--especially since I have really been craving sweets for the past few weeks. I suppose it doesn't hurt though. Yet another sacrifice. It will all be worth it, I know!

Many things to be thankful for:
A trip to town
Blooming flowers
The sun shining
Being almost 29 weeks pregnant! Yay little cupcake-keep growing!
New magazines
My husband's love that continues to help me through the tough days
My family
A good report from our doctor last week
Crafts to keep me busy
My mother-in-law coming to visit/help
Friends/family coming to visit to help pass the time
The Internet
Netflix
The love of my Savior and the peace that continues to surround me

Well, I have reached the bottom of my coffee, so I suppose it's back to water!

Choosing Joy

Happiness is based on happenings, joy is a choice. I learned this once at a camp I went to in Jr. High. This is a thought that has been on my mind this week.

It's easy to be "happy" when all the happenings of our lives are going as planned, and there aren't too many major bumps in the road. Needless to say, it would be easy for me to not be "happy" this week. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant, but isn't it interesting how easy it is to get upset or be moody? It's like the littlest thing can set me off and put me in a bad mood all day, if I let it.

Instead, I should choose joy. For joy can be present in my life, when all the happenings seem to be not going "as planned."

"But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, JOY, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control." Galatians 5:22-23

When something doesn't go the way I planned-do I feel sorry for myself, or do I choose to make the most out of the situation I've been given?

When I can't just run to town to buy groceries-do I get in a bad mood because it doesn't seem fair, or do I choose to be thankful for my husband, mom, and others who are willing to help us out?

When I develop a cyst on my eyebrow that has to be removed amongst everything else going on-do I just "add it to the list" of things I "have to deal with," or do I choose to be thankful, once again, for doctors that can help us out?

When we can't go on trips that we planned to take together before the baby arrived-do I let the selfishness creep in to allow myself to have a pity party, or do I choose to find joy in the sacrificial love of being a mom?

When I think about the past 6 weeks, and the next 13ish to come-do I let myself get completely overwhelmed with all that I can't/won't be able to do, or do I praise God for the 6 weeks he has given baby Cupcake to grow and mature in my womb, and thank him for each day that I have the privilege of carrying this beautiful child?

I am human, so naturally, I must admit, I don't always choose joy. But I am praying that the fruits of the Spirit would be more evident in my life every single day. I pray that we would be willing to be obedient-no matter what it is that He calls us to.

I am so thankful that He doesn't give up on us, even when we make the same mistake over and over again. I can imagine it's kind of like the love you have for your kids. You see them make decisions/mistakes, and yet you love them through it, and encourage them to choose to learn something from the mistakes they made.

What a beautiful, sacrificial love that continues to choose joy.

Joy-such a small but challenging word!

Lilly & Tiger

Well, we have new life at our house! Two new kitties who are all about exploring their new territory!! Tiger is the one that looks like a Tiger, and Lilly is the black one.

Groucho

I never thought I would see the day when I cared so much about a cat. Who would have thought? Cat's are stupid and only good for mousing. (OK, give me a minute all you cat lovers out there.) Surly we can all agree that they aren't loyal, you can't train them, and they scratch things.

Well, we had an exception to my above statements. Groucho was given to us at the age of 12-13ish. That's OLD for a cat!! He became a part of our family instantly because he was different. We were sure he must have been part dog. I trained him (mostly) to lay in his bed in the kitchen, and not to leave that spot. And he followed us around whenever we were outside. He would even "greet" us as we drove in our driveway. He was also like a dog in the fact that he loved attention. He LOVED being petted, and held! He would have been a lap cat, had I let him. Oh, and he loved music. He loved being inside when I was teaching lessons.

We were blessed to have him eat our mice for 2 years, but we are pretty sure he has passed on. He has been missing for about a week now. We've noticed he hadn't quite been himself lately-that maybe he was showing some signs of age.

We haven't found him anywhere, so I'm just hoping he found a cozy corner to curl up in and pass on. Timing is interesting. We lost our dog only about 10 months ago, after only having her for 3. I hope this isn't a reflection on our "nurturing" abilities! I know, pets are just pets. But still...

So thanks Grouch0-thanks for putting my faith back into "cat" world. Thank you for loving us through these past 2 years. Sometimes I think I told you things because you were a set of ears that would always just listen. Thanks for putting up with our dog when we had her. Thanks for trusting us to meet your needs.

Hope you are having fun in pet heaven! We will miss you, and like our beautiful dog Docker, you will always have a place in our hearts!

25 Weeks!

Baby cupcake is 25 weeks old now! It's almost been four weeks since surgery. So many things to still be thankful for!

We had another appointment on Tuesday, and we got a great report-NO CHANGE!!! Baby is still fine and cervix is still long and closed. AND...I'm still on bed rest! OK, not sure if that last part is GREAT, but if it is necessary, then I will continue to do it! He doesn't really want me to be doing much more than I am now-which is one to two hours twice a day. I'm thinking about taking up knitting-any tips anyone?

Late mornings are good for me, so I am able to get up for awhile then. It's amazing how much satisfaction I can get from doing a load of laundry or unloading the dishwasher! Those tasks used to be some of my least favorite-and now it's something I have to look forward to. Perspective is everything! Evenings tend to be bad for contractions, so I just have to pay attention to what is going on with my body.

It is very interesting the correlation between drinking water and contractions. I am drinking AT LEAST 3 quarts of water a day (that is a lot of water!!), and he says I need to keep drinking more! Especially when I am having contractions. It is interesting. The power of water!

We just love our doctor and the staff at Northwest OBGYN. Dr. Fern is one of the best, and we feel so blessed to be under his care.

A funny story from our appointment on Tuesday. The nurse came in after we were taken to our room, and she walked in looking through my chart. She said "I was wondering why your name was sounding so familiar...you had a pretty big ordeal that you went through a few weeks ago! You are famous around here! We really should put your picture on the wall next to all the doctors." We got a good laugh from that. I hadn't even met this nurse yet and she knew me, so I guess I must have been a topic of conversation around the office. I told her, "Well, I'm not famous by choice!"

We continue to trust and put this baby in the Lord's hands. And for now-I continue to read, watch movies, and enjoy time in my new leather lazy boy chair!!! It is sometimes hard to keep my spirits up, but I am so thankful for all the visits, phone calls, cards and emails that help pass the time and keep me encouraged.

As I was reminded by a dear friend last evening (who has had her fair share of bed rest!), it is only a season, and you will be able to look back on it and say you would do it all over again becauase it is so worth it! I am so thankful I have been given the gift of carrying this child, that I will do all it takes to make sure she is healthy!

I will leave with this thought I'm borrowing from Taryn (thanks Taryn!): "We may not be able to see the light through our struggles, but we can believe that those days, as in the life of Job, will be the most significant we are called upon to live." Robert Collyer

May I be able to see the light--and trust that these days are significant!

A Simpler Life

"Be Still and Know that I Am God" Psalms 46:10

Another week has passed by-slowly-but it is done! It's been a bit of a crazy one-one with a few twists and turns for our extended family I wouldn't have chosen. Once again, we are reminded that we serve a bigger God than all situations that come our way, and that He is in control.

Our electricity went out on Wednesday night, and it was a strange thing. Do you realize how much we rely on electricity? I always forget until I don't have it. As the kerosene lamp was sitting on the coffee table sending out our small rays of light, I thought back to what it would have been like before electricity. Some of you can remember those days. It really wasn't that many years ago-before cars, lights, computers, TV's, music, dishwashers, washing machines, running water, iPods, phones, cell phones...

Speaking on cell phones-heaven forbid our society without cell phones--I remember what is was like before that--and I'm not that old!!! Who votes that cell phones have just complicated our lives?! Really--now we are available at any time, in any place, connected to the world around us. Anyway...side note.

As Ben and I were just sitting in the dark, realizing there wasn't anything to do, we talked for awhile, and then decided to go to bed. What have we come to that we think there is nothing to do when we have no power?! I have been mulling over that thought the last couple of days.

Our society has gotten so complicated with so much "stuff" dictating our lives, and getting in the way of what really matters-relationships! I am just as guilty as the next guy, and I was reminded of that on Wednesday night.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful for modern inventions. In fact, I wouldn't be typing this today in lue of what happened to me three weeks ago if it wasn't for modern inventions. I am so thankful that my baby's and my life were spared because of the developments we have today.

I just think I can get caught up in all the noise. You know, the noise. Not just the audible noises, but the noises that invade our lives, that demand our attention.

Along with our electricity going out, the past three weeks have definitely showed me the slower pace of life. All of you that know me, know that I am a busy person. In some ways, this has defined who I am. I'm not necessarily proud of this. Everyone knows that I don't stop for too long to "smell the roses." And because of this, I think I miss out on some of the simple joys in life:

The sound of the back door opening and someones voice coming to greet me

The vibrant colors of flowers-It's amazing to think this world could all be one color, and yet we were given the gift of the rainbow.

The sound of my phone ringing because someone really cares to talk to me-and the fact that I actually HAVE the time to talk to them

A good book

A good magazine

A hug

A kiss

The sound of a wind chime

The flame of a candle

A bubble bath

Good food

Receiving a card in the mail

Feeling the kicks of my growing baby

Prayer

The words "I love You"

The gift of relationships

I am thankful for these reminders. It's these things that can get us through a day and help sustain us for a life. I now understand the phrase "stop and smell the roses" in a whole new way, and I am thankful for the lessons of a still and simpler life.

"Be Still and Know that I Am God" Psalms 46:10

Week 24

This pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride. One that I am glad we are still on! When we first found out we were pregnant for the second time, we were excited/scared/shocked. We wanted it so bad, and yet, it was terrifying to know we weren't in control of the outcome.

The first 12 weeks went on and on as I counted down the days. I thought, if I can just make it past the week that we had the miscarriage, surly everything will be ok. It was hard to get excited, and yet we wanted to be. We had moments of excitement, and moments of fear. I was reminded again that I wasn't in control, and that I needed to give this baby to the Lord every day and trust that He knew what would happen!

At about 16 weeks, I started feeling so much better, it was so fun to start planning and dreaming for this baby! Finally! I could breath! Colors, strollers, furniture, clothes, names, blue? pink? etc etc! There it is again-that word-plan. Was I trying to be in control of the planning, or was I surrendering her to the Lord?

I was just starting to feel GREAT when the next trial came along. Once again, I was being reminded that this baby is NOT mine, and that I need to continue to give her up!

I was reminded by a dear friend of the story of Hannah in the Bible. The Lord had closed her womb for whatever reason, and she prayed fervently that if the Lord would bless her with a child, she would give him back to the Lord. This is exactly what happened. What an incredible test of faith. She did it-she took her son into the temple and gave him to the Lord. I can't imagine the emotions she was dealing with. All her life she had wanted to be a mom, and once the Lord gave her a son, she gave him right back.

So often I think I pray for certain things, or "bargain" with God that "if you just allow this, I will do that..." and how often do we fail to hold up on our end of the bargain?

What a reminder, once again-that the Lord is asking me to truly give this beautiful baby to Him. With all that has happened, I know there is no way that she should be here, alive and well if it wasn't for His hand in all of this. I pray for the strength for me to continue to open up the clenched palm I can so easly have.

I think the rollar coaster is starting to plane out a bit. I am hoping we have ridden through our biggest loop, but for now we celebrate and praise God for all that He has and continues to do.

We trust and wait that we will see this pregnancy through the end of week 24, as we continue to take this one day at a time!

My first blog--it might be long!

So I have always been a person who hasn't taken the time to read too many people's blogs, let alone create one for myself. The past two weeks have greatly altered my life, and my "schedule" (or lack thereof), and has created a lot of extra time on my hands.

I have decided to create a blog. I'm not really sure how it works, or if people will even look at it, but I figure, why not? It gives me another thing to do as I am on bed rest. So what do I post on my first blog? I guess I'll just start typing and see what happens:

I have been married to my best friend, and better half for almost three years. It is amazing what we have gone through in 3 short years. Buying a house in Boise, both quitting our jobs in Boise to move to Pullman, remodeling a 100 year old house that we currently live in, starting new jobs, and trying to start our family. These I guess are the "biggies."

We are pregnant with our second child. We lost our first due to a miscarriage in April of 2009. Loosing our first child was the hardest thing we have ever had to go through, but we know God has a plan, and that he is taking care of that sweet child. I can honestly say I know I serve a big God and am thankful that he is in control.

We were ecstatic (and scared) to find out we were pregnant again at the beginning on January this year. It is hard to describe what you feel when you know you want to be pregnant, but you know even more, that you don't want to loose this child. Yet, again, there is nothing you can or can't do, you just have to trust, once again, that the Lord was in control. I felt pretty sick for the first 14 weeks, and then was staring to feel GREAT! Even through the sickness, I LOVED being pregnant. To know that the Lord had entrusted me with this human being to grow was beyond my comprehension. Why would he choose us for this sacred and wonderful experience? I was determined to celebrate this life as long as we were given it.

We decided we wanted to know if it was a boy or girl-again, part of the celebration of life that we wanted to have with this baby. We knew the Lord would give us what He wanted us to have, and after staring at an envelope that contained the baby's sex for a week, we opened our envelope to find out we were having a girl! The excitement continued to build as we told our families a few days later.

Again, I was feeling so blessed, each day that I was given the gift to give life to this baby girl "cupcake."

On April 29th, I went into the Pullman ER because I was having horrible pain on my right side. It's hard to describe the intensity of the pain-as I was getting no relief from any pain medication. I was transported to Spokane later that day, as that is where I am doctoring. I will say, I was hoping for sirens and fast driving since I was in an ambulance, but I guess they save that for the very critical patients. :)

I was monitored for another day at Sacred Heart, but on Saturday, May 1st, I knew something was terribly wrong. I woke up to continued pain, and not being able to even get out of bed or lift my right leg. After an ultrasound and exam, the Dr. on call determined that something "very big" was behind my uterus, and they couldn't identify exactly what it was--just that it was growing, and needed to be looked at. After calling my Dr, I was being prepped for surgery.

This now became the scariest moment of my life as I was told they didn't know what they would find in there, and they couldn't promise anything with the baby. Surgery isn't usually done on pregnant women, and since I was only 21 weeks pregnant, baby couldn't survive outside the womb yet. Again, another reason to trust in the Almighty-as there was NOTHING I could do.

Laying there on that hospital bed, contemplating all that could happen in the next two hours was almost more than I could bare. Ben was my rock-praying over me and the baby and all that was to come. Why did the Lord bless me with such a wonderful man? I couldn't have gone through any of this without him.

I came out of surgery without my right ovary or tube, but with my baby's heartbeat just as strong as it was going into surgery. She didn't even know what happened! The best explanation we have is that I had a cyst on my ovary (that every pregnant woman gets), that continued to grow. Usually, your body gets ride of it at about 12 weeks, but for some reason, mine didn't, and it continued to grow until it got so big that it twisted my ovary and tube, and cut off the blood supply to the ovary. This caused it to grow to about the size of a grapefruit/softball until it died and started rupturing.

I have a new respect and gratitude for Doctors, medicine and surgery, because without all that, both me and baby cupcake would just be a statistic by now. Thank you Sacred Heart, Dr. Fern, Dr. Zwisler, and all my nurses for taking such a great care of us.

What is crazy about the entire thing is that it is VERY VERY uncommon for any pregnant woman to develop "ovarian torsion," which is the official name for what I developed. In fact, my doctor, who has been practicing for a long time, and is one of the most respected Doctors in the northwest, says I am the only person he has ever seen this happen to. We also talked to another Dr. that specializes in high-risk pregnancies, and he said he has only seen this twice in 42 years.

I am so special!! Haha! I hope because I have gone through this, that I have used up the very rare statistic for every woman I know! Anyway, right after surgery, my epidural wasn't working, and my body was having contractions about every 7 minutes. This was very scary, and they were trying to get them stopped. So between getting ANOTHER epidural (which worked this time), and giving me lots of magnesium (yuck!), the contractions started slowing down.

I was in the hospital for another 5 days while they monitored contractions and everything else. It was so nice to finally be able to go home and rest the following Thursday.

All I can say is, now, more than ever, I believe in the power of prayer. As crazy as this has been, so many things have gone right that shouldn't have, and I know it's because of all of you lifting us up in prayer. It is a very humbling thing to know there is nothing you can do, but accept people's prayers and just wait on the Lord. That is what we continue to do. Take this one day at a time, and trust that there is a plan.

So now I am almost 23 weeks pregnant, and baby cupcake is doing great. They just want me to stay down so that I don't go into labor, as I am still having some contractions. I am also still recovering from surgery, which just takes time too! In the meantime, I just might get into blogging, reading, movies, crosswords, and anything else that can occupy my time while I am down. For those of you that have made it to the end of this one-I promise they won't ever be this long again!

Again, I'm not sure who will read this, but I am so thankful to my hubby who has been my rock this past two weeks. I love him more and more each day and am so thankful for him. Along with my family-especially my mom and sister who have been beyond helpful as well. And to Jenny who came up and stayed with me for three days to help pass the time and serve us. And to all of you-for your prayers, cards, flowers, food and support. We are so overwhelmed with the support and love that has and continues to come our way.

We serve a risen Savior who has promised us that he DOES have a plan for us, and for that I am so grateful. I pray for strength for today-for that is all He asks of us!