This pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride. One that I am glad we are still on! When we first found out we were pregnant for the second time, we were excited/scared/shocked. We wanted it so bad, and yet, it was terrifying to know we weren't in control of the outcome.
The first 12 weeks went on and on as I counted down the days. I thought, if I can just make it past the week that we had the miscarriage, surly everything will be ok. It was hard to get excited, and yet we wanted to be. We had moments of excitement, and moments of fear. I was reminded again that I wasn't in control, and that I needed to give this baby to the Lord every day and trust that He knew what would happen!
At about 16 weeks, I started feeling so much better, it was so fun to start planning and dreaming for this baby! Finally! I could breath! Colors, strollers, furniture, clothes, names, blue? pink? etc etc! There it is again-that word-plan. Was I trying to be in control of the planning, or was I surrendering her to the Lord?
I was just starting to feel GREAT when the next trial came along. Once again, I was being reminded that this baby is NOT mine, and that I need to continue to give her up!
I was reminded by a dear friend of the story of Hannah in the Bible. The Lord had closed her womb for whatever reason, and she prayed fervently that if the Lord would bless her with a child, she would give him back to the Lord. This is exactly what happened. What an incredible test of faith. She did it-she took her son into the temple and gave him to the Lord. I can't imagine the emotions she was dealing with. All her life she had wanted to be a mom, and once the Lord gave her a son, she gave him right back.
So often I think I pray for certain things, or "bargain" with God that "if you just allow this, I will do that..." and how often do we fail to hold up on our end of the bargain?
What a reminder, once again-that the Lord is asking me to truly give this beautiful baby to Him. With all that has happened, I know there is no way that she should be here, alive and well if it wasn't for His hand in all of this. I pray for the strength for me to continue to open up the clenched palm I can so easly have.
I think the rollar coaster is starting to plane out a bit. I am hoping we have ridden through our biggest loop, but for now we celebrate and praise God for all that He has and continues to do.
We trust and wait that we will see this pregnancy through the end of week 24, as we continue to take this one day at a time!