I will just warn you right now that I'm sure this will offend someone who reads this, so don't say I didn't warn you. This is heavy on my heart today, and I feel led to share.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5.
This is a promise that God knew us before he even FORMED us. So EVERY life is important and begins immediately. How anyone thinks they should have the "choice" to be able to say if that life lives or dies is beyond my comprehension. Before you start arguing, I'm not passing judgement on anyone who has made that "choice" to end their babies life. I am truly saddened and feel for the hurt and pain you have and still probably experience. And no sin is greater than any other. My God can forgive ALL our sins and give us a fresh start. Praise Him!
Maybe I feel strongly about this because I have lost two babies in the womb. Our first miscarriage was 7 years ago on April 6, 2009. It was the deepest pain I have ever experienced. I have a blog post about it. Our second loss was just 7 months ago, also on April 6, 2016. Today was my due date. How "ironic" they happened on the day, just 7 years apart? I think not. For God had their days numbered before they were even formed.
I know they were real. I know they were in the womb. I know life had begun. I haven't really shared about this most recent loss. Maybe because I've been busy keeping up with my husband, 6 year old and 3 1/2 year old. Maybe because the pregnancy was a surprise, and it was a weird thing to process. Maybe because it's a process, and I'm not sure where I'm at.
For those of you that have experienced this, you understand this pain. A silent pain. A loss. A death. A mourning. But one that doesn't have much closure.
I feel like I was blessed with a little bit of closure this time. For we had been to the doctor at 9 weeks and I was able to see this picture on the screen. They asked if I wanted a printed picture. I was in a daze but said "yes." How thankful I am for this. At just 9 weeks you can see the baby. It was real. There is no "choice." It had been given life for those few short weeks. And now, it has eternal life.
I knew immediately something was wrong because the first thing they show you on an ultrasound is the heartbeat. They show you how fast it is going. At 9 weeks, it should be going strong. I just saw this picture. And then nothing. Silence. It was strange, because I just had a bad feeling about it before I even walked into the doctors office that morning. The next few days were a blur, and then life "went on." But it's a hard grief to explain. Maybe Levi says it best:
A quote from "Through the Eyes of a Lion" by Levi Lusko who lost his daughter at 5 years old:
"With grief, the horrors gradually subside but never go away entirely. When something is stripped out, there is always a hole. God is good enough to coat the raw and jagged edges in grace, if you will let him. The pain in your life will remain, but like an oyster that covers an unwelcome irritant, layer by layer, to protect itself, we can turn it into a pearl."
Because of Jesus, we all have hope. Because of the hope he gives us, even in the worst storms, we have an anchor for the soul. Hope is a confident expectation that all is not lost because Jesus is our living hope.
Another quote from him: "God has taught my heart to sing again, and tucked away in the minor key, I hear his promise of all that is yet to come."
From the great hymn The Solid Rock:
When all around my soul gives way, he then is all my hope and stay.
On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand.
God will put to use what he puts us through. Life is all about perspective.
On a day when there is so much division and hatred in our country, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. God has not promised us an easy life, or for our country to be prosperous, or for us to have great Godly leaders. We turned our back on him as a nation years ago. We are a country full of imperfect people, electing imperfect people. But He has promised us that He is in control, that He is good, and that He never changes. He is not finished with us yet, or His second coming would have already happened.
We must pray. We must love. We must respect.
So today my perspective is to give thanks for this beautiful little life I was privileged to carry for 9 weeks. I am thankful that God honors and ordains life from the very beginning. EVERY life matters. EVERY baby matters. Praise God for this indescribable gift.