Hello blog world. Sorry I've been absent for awhile. I know I was going to do some blogging on marriage, but to be honest, I just don't feel like I'm in a good spot to be talking about that! So I was trying to figure out what was on my mind.
My mind has been a little empty lately. Well, not empty, I guess, because I'm not a guy. I can't just think about "nothing." I don't have a "nothing" box. :) I guess I have been feeling a little down lately. Hormones? Lack of sleep? Absent husband (since he's been studying so much for his Professional Engineering test)?
I couldn't figure out why, and then I did a double take at the calendar.
April. Ah, April. You have not been so kind to us the past two years!
We lost our first child on April 6, 2009. There are many thoughts out there about miscarriages. Some people choose not to share that they have lost children, some share freely. I am one that talks about it. It is a part of my life, a part that has forever changed me. It is a child of mine that I will someday meet.
My heart aches for my little one this time of year. Now, having another child, one "on the ground" makes me miss my baby more. As Kayla grows and changes, and her personality comes out, I often wonder what our first child would have been like. Would they have had the incredibly busy personality of Kayla, or would have have been more laid back like their dad?
Time does heal. Life does move on. The pain does get less. But the loss is still there.
There is still an ache, a hole in my heart that no baby will ever fill. There is a hope-a promise-that I will meet my baby someday-when all tears will be wiped away-where we will know no pain-where I will get to run to them, hug them, kiss them and tell them how much I love them.
During that time in my life-my prayers were not answered like I had hoped. Our baby was not spared this side of eternity. I wasn't able to hold him/her in my arms.
My heart hurts for the people that have gone through this once, twice, three times. My heart hurts for the people I know that still have barren wombs. Why, I cry out, why? "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord..." It is so hard to see the blessings in the valleys. But they are there. We must look harder. We must open our eyes to the beauty of life that has been given to us. We must trust and live in that hope and peace.
I was admitted into ER on April 29, last year for what would turn out to be an emergency surgery while I was 21 weeks pregnant. Another incredibly fearful time in my life. Another opportunity to either trust in the one who held my future, or turn my back on him.
That time, our prayers were answered like we prayed. My life, and Kayla's life were spared. God was not finished with us yet. Our time here on earth was not supposed to end. There is a reason for that.
Am I living with that in mind? I hope I never loose sight of the gift of life. Being so close to death, and the death of one child, and almost another, you gain a new perspective on life.
It is a gift. Each day is a gift.
An opportunity to make a difference, to share the light and love of Christ to those around me. May I never forget that. May I be thankful for each day that has been gifted to me. Not to me, but to Your name, be the Glory!