I don't know about you, but this is a place I like to be in.
Comfortably in control. Making decisions after I have prayed about them, masking lists, checking things off the list, moving forward in life in a relatively "controlled" manner.
When I went through all I did with Kayla and her pregnancy, I was taught a very tangible lesson that I was NOT in control, and that she was never "mine" to control. It took a life-threating event to shake my world of "control" and make me realize I either had to trust The One who was in control, or I was going to drive myself crazy into trying to control what was not mine in the first place.
How often I so easily fall into this cycle. I thought I "learned" my lesson with that situation, but here I am again, realizing I am having to be reminded of it again.
You see, this is right where God wants me. If I was always able to sail through life, "controlling" everything, I would have no need for Him. No need to rely on Him. No need to ask for His help, for His wisdom.
I find myself at His feet again, begging Him for his wisdom, for him to pry open my controlling hands around "my" life and let him take what is already His.
Why do I make it so hard? Why do I stress about these "temporal" things?
I am continually reminded of my Grandpa Miller's life. He would have been 91 this last month. He lived with eternity in view. As long as I knew him. He didn't stress about the things he couldn't control. He gently laid them in his Father's hands, and lived life with passion and purpose.
I pray this would be my mindset. That I would live with eternity in view. That I would let go of the control I so often want to have in my life. That I would let go of all the "details" of life that I let bog me down.
That I would pray. Pray fervently, without ceasing. For wisdom, for my husband, for my children, for those I love.
That I would love. Love intentionally.
That I would show love and patience with my girls and my husband, and those I come into contact with.
That I would LET GO of the things I cannot change and hold fast to things I know to be true.
There are circumstance in my life now that are drawing me to my knees, because I have no other place to go.
I am frustrated with my parenting..I feel at a loss, I feel like I am doing nothing right.
I am frustrated with my sharp tongue...I am frustrated I say things I don't want to say, and that I don't say things I do want to say. I am frustrated that I don't encourage some of the people I love the most with my words.
I am frustrated that I don't know how to love well. How to let go. How to create boundaries, how to communicate boundaries.
I am frustrated that it takes me so long to get to a place of contentment in one area of my life, and then I finally get there, only to have that contentment swept out from underneath me.
Ah, it can be so easy to stay in that state of frustration, and yet, I serve a God bigger than all that. I am thankful that He IS IN CONTROL. All I have to do, is open my hand up around all these frustrations that I so tightly cling to, and let Him have them. Allow the Holy Spirit to take control, to lead, to guide, and direct my steps.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than you ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. "for as the rain and snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."
Thankful that I serve this God that will accomplish all that he purposes to in me!