Insomnia

This is the second night in a row I haven't been able to sleep. I wake up at 2am WIDE awake, ready for the day.

It's amazing how fast the time flies during the day-when there seems to never be enough hours in the day, and how slow time creeps in the middle of the night when you feel as if the rest of the world is sleeping.

I've got a bad cold again, and I'm exhausted from taking care of my sweet baby who has been sick/teething for over two weeks now. All I want is some sleep, and my body won't let me.

So after an hour of laying in bed, thinking of all the things I wanted to do today when the rest of the world wakes up, I decided I might as well get up and do some of them. Maybe now that my head is cleared, I can sleep?

It takes me back to my days in the hospital after my emergency surgery last year. I couldn't sleep then because of the medication, because of the pain, because of the worry. So thankful to be on this side of that. I will take this kind of insomnia over that any day!

I laugh as I remember taking a sleeping pill one night in the hospital. They really wanted me to get some sleep, so they gave me the whole pill. You can ask my husband, mom and sister what I was like the next day. A little on the weepy/crazy side. Note to self-never take a sleeping pill. ha!

Well, here's to maybe a couple more hours of sleep yet tonight?

Strike Two

Well, I was three weeks away from running my first half marathon when I get the news that I can no longer run more than two miles at a time.

This is the second race that I have trained for, only to be shopped short of my goal. The first time around, it was because I got pregnant, and my body couldn't handle the running. (Which was a GREAT reason.)

This time it is as a result of having a baby, and trying to run too much, too soon after giving birth. Wouldn't you know!

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not cut out for it. Ha!

Running a half marathon is on my "bucket list." It is something I have secretly wanted to do for some time now.

When visiting with my Doctor, he asked if I had been feeling ok while training. I really had been feeling great, up until my 8 mile run. After that run, I could tell my body was telling me I might be doing a little too much. A visit to my amazing doctor (I really consider him like a grandpa to me-a man who saves both mine and my daughter's lives holds a special place in my heart!), we concluded that I needed to let my body completely recover.

Ah, disappointment. Many emotions ran though my head as I processed the news.

First I was mad at myself that I had decided to start training. I honestly didn't think I was pushing myself too hard. He made me feel better when he told me, "if I had been on bed rest for four months, I probably would have signed up for a half marathon too." :) Then I realized, no, I can't beat myself up about a decision I made that I thought was right at the time. We all do that, right? Make decisions we thing are right/good, and sometimes they end up not being the best. But the past is the past, and we can't change that. We must more forward and live today that the Lord has made!

Then I was disappointed. For the past two and a half months, I have carved time into my schedule (with a baby, and a very busy husband) to go on runs. Had I just wasted so much of my time running the 90ish miles I have since Christmas?

Then I realized, no it was fun for me. Some of you may laugh at that. Running? Fun? It was good for me. It was a way for me to get out of the house and do something for myself. I think it is very important to do this as a mom, otherwise, you can get consumed in your roll only as a mommy. I knew I needed something like this to keep me well rounded, to be a better wife, AND mommy!

Then I felt bad because I was leaving my running buddy up in the air to do 13.1 miles on his own. It has been a lot of fun training with my brother-in-law, Dave. He is such a great guy, and it has been fun getting to know him better. You wouldn't think we would have the same pace, but quite frankly, we do! We are great running buddies! So, here I am, leaving him high and dry. He was nothing but supportive of the decision I had to make though.

Then I realized, wait, my Dr. said I could run 2 miles a couple times a week, so I am going to pace him on the last two miles of the race. I am really hoping they will let me do that. If not, I will still be there with my sign, smile and loudest cheering voice. I just might be his biggest fan that day. (Sorry, Shelb!)

If he can complete that, by himself (which I know he will), I will be so proud of him because I can't imagine doing something like that by myself. I am praying the Lord gives him extra strength during the race as I won't be there to help him through those tough miles.

So, strike two. Will I have the opportunity to do it again? I hope so. I see my doctor again in a couple of months, and I hope I get a green light. If not, I guess I will just continue to heal, and look forward to next years race season.

I guess that's why a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you die. It doesn't mean they will get done on "our timing." As is life, right? So often I plan and scheme and decided this is what will be done here and now, and then God says, "wait, are you letting me be in control of every area of your life?"

Such a hard lesson for me to learn, apparently. So, for now, I sit back, and wait. I sit back and be still. I sit back and do what's best for myself and my family and put my desires on the back burner. Life is not about me anyway.

If anyone wants to come help me cheer Dave on, 10:00am, next Saturday, March 5th down at the Wawawaii landing on the river!!

A Worker At Home

This has been on my heart in the past few days. I recently read over some notes from a Bible Study I attended for a short time at Faith Community Bible Church in Boise. A very wise woman (Patty!) shared some thoughts about being a Homemaker. I have done some reflecting and on Titus 2, and these are some combined thoughts!

Titus 2:4-5
"These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to take care of their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

There are seven instructions for women in these verse:

1. Love your husband
2. Love your children
3. Be sensible (live wisely)
4. Be pure
5. Be workers at home
6. Be kind (do good)
7. Be submissive to your husbands

Love your husband~How does one love your husband? There are different meanings to the word love.

Agape-brotherly love-true love-sacrificial love
Eros-passionate love
Philia-friendship love
Storge-natural affection (like a parent to a child)

This word has so much power behind it. There are times when it can be overused, and loose it's value. There are also times when it is never said-from a parent to a child, from spouse to spouse, from friend to friend and it has a life-long effect. Then there are times when it is finally said- when someone has been waiting their whole life to hear it-and when they finally do, it means more than they ever imagined it would.

What about those people that are single, and desire to be married? I struggle with this-especially since I have some incredible single women in my life that desire to "love" a husband.

Love your Children~

The root of this is the "storge" love-the natural affection that a parent has for a child. I never understood this until I was pregnant with our first child. When we lost our baby, I felt as if a part of me was gone too. I had a love for this baby that I couldn't explain, even though I had never held it in my arms. Now, with Kayla, I feel this love again. It is a different love from the love I have for my husband, family, for my friends.

Again, what do women do with this command that are not able to bear children. Another struggle I have. I have women in my life that desire to have this "love" for one of their own, and yet, for some reason, they are not able to have a child.

So are they commanded to love the "children" in their lives? The children that they are around? What about their desire to have their own?

Be Sensible (Wise)~

This can encompass so many things! When I think about being "sensible," I think about having common sense. For some reason, the idea of spending money comes to mind on this one. Being the main caretaker of the home, I tend to be the one that purchases most things for the house. Being wise and sensible to me means making sure I am buying what is needed, and not always what is "wanted." Being a shopper-I sometimes struggle with this. But before each purchase, I should ask myself, do we really need this?

The verse also comes to mind about asking the Lord for wisdom. Being a wife and mother can be a daunting task. You are constantly making decisions, all day, every day. Like right now-as I type-my baby has awoken from her nap, and I am trying to let her cry herself back to sleep. How long do I let her cry? Lord, give me wisdom. What will I make for dinner? What can I make that will be healthy? How can I encourage my husband tonight? What will be do this weekend? How can I honor God with these every day decisions? Lord, give me wisdom!

Be Pure~

Pure in mind and heart. Making sure I am being led by the Holy Spirit on a daily, moment by moment basis. I forget to just ask to be empowered!

The fruits of the Spirit come to mind: Love, joy, peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Do I pray these for myself? For my daughter? For my home to be a place where these reside? Does my life produce these fruits?

Workers at Home~

This is the big one I have been thinking about. Our society does everything it can to pull us away from this. Even in our "Christian" circles.

Being a stay-at-home mom (or worker at home) is a thing of the past. What happened to the days of mom's "staying home", raising their children, being in communion with other mom's doing the same thing?

The biggest reason? We need the money. We can't live on one salary. Then my question is-at what "level" are you trying to live at? By who's standards are you living at? Are you buying things you shouldn't? Have you gotten yourself into debt you can't get out of? Maybe we need to re-evaluate our priorities.

Another reason-I just need to get out of the house. Do you really want to "work" to do this? Why not join a mom's group? Find a gym that has child care? Swap babysitting with a neighbor so you can have time out alone.

So many thoughts...

I'm not saying working outside of the home is wrong, I think this is something you and your husband have to pray about and decide what is best for your family. But I do know the Bible is very clear about the fact that we are to be "workers at home." So, if we aren't able to fulfill these duties, then we definitely shouldn't be working outside the home.

I just know I was challenged when I looked at this again. This is what I am called to. It's not a decision to just "stay home," it is a calling-I am to be a worker at home. To clean, organize, provide a place to bring others to, to make my family feel loved and welcome. What am I letting stand in the way of this?

Be kind~

Does it get any simpler than that? Be kind-am I putting other's needs ahead of my own? Am I kind to the people I come into contact with on a daily basis. Am I choosing to be kind to my husband when he comes home, even if I have had a stressful day at home?

Be submissive to your husband~

There are a lot of different ways I could jump here, but I think the best way to sum this up is to make sure I am showing respect to my husband all the times. That I am enabling him to be the leader of our home. That I encourage him to provide for our family. That we make the tough decisions together, but ultimately, lean on his wisdom, as he is seeking the Lord for us. It isn't to be a door mat. It is to walk hand-in-hand with towards a common goal!

Well, lots of questions today-I would love to hear your thoughts!

I pray for the strength to be a Titus 2:4-5 woman! What an incredible calling!

A Passion for Relationships! Calling all Moms!

Don't we all have an inner desire to connect with other people-especially those at the same stages of life?

I know this has been a passion of mine ever since I can remember-

to connect with others-to know what they are passionate about-to know what makes them laugh-to know what makes them cry.

So, I have recently entered a "new stage," I guess you could say-mommy hood! I am loving it! I feel so incredibly blessed that I get to be a "stay-at-home" mom. So many people can't/don't want to do that these days, so I am so blessed to have this opportunity to.

I can see how a stay-at-home mom can become disconnected from the outside world, though. I can see how easy it might be to get caught up in the day-to-day activities of life, and taking care of your child. I'm not saying that that is wrong, but I think it can become all-consuming if you let it.

I know I fall victim to being "lukewarm" sometimes. Lukewarm about my lot in life, lukewarm about my relationships, lukewarm about what my purpose is, lukewarm about my spirituality. (this is the scariest of all!)

Thankfully I serve a God full of grace and mercy that drags me back from these times of being "lukewarm." I am at that point now. I don't want to become a "lukewarm" mother or wife. I want to live with purpose and passion to bring Glory to God in all that I do, in whatever I do.

Some days, that is choosing to have joy when I'm listening to my baby cry
Some days, that is choosing to have a positive attitude towards my husband when he comes home from work, even if I have had a long day
Some days, that is choosing to be intentional about building better relationships
Some days, that is choosing to spend time with the Lord first, before the list of chores
Some days, that is spending time just "being" with my daughter, leaving my "to-do" list for a later time

It has been on my heart for some time now to be a part of a Mom's group. To connect with other moms in a relaxed setting. To connect with other women about real, every day life. To connect with other women's children.

So many ideas are running through my head, so I have decided to do something about it. With the Lord's help, I hope to start:

Mom's Morning Out!

My vision: To be intentional about building relationships with other women and children!

My mission: To reach the mom's of the Palouse area. To provide opportunities for mom's to connect with other mom's. To provide places for mom's to bring their children to connect with other children. To learn the hearts of these moms!

So, we set out on this adventure. This Tuesday, February 1st at 10:00am, at the McDonald's (by Arby's in Pullman), we will meet for the first time. I want to hear their thoughts. I want to hear what they want to get out of this. I want to see what might come of this time of fellowship.

So, if you have kids-come-bring them. Take a giant leap of faith, and share this with someone you know that might need/want to be a part of something like this.

Together, we can encourage each other and work at changing the world, one little heartbeat at a time!

Life Lessons Learned from my Grandpa

I spent the entire afternoon in my Grandpa Morgan's (dad's dad) hospital room. He developed a very severe case of pneumonia last week, and has been in the hospital ever since. Mind you, this is no ordinary man. He may be 79, but he acts like he's 59! He has a passion for working with his hands to restore the old and build the new. So this caught us all by surprise.

I will admit. I am not used to seeing him so weak. I know there will come a day when I have to say goodbye on this side of eternity, and I think that reality set in this week.

As Kayla and I spent the afternoon with him, I was reminded again how much we have to learn from our older generations if we will only take the time.

* You are never too old to learn something new. May I always keep this mindset!
* Humility is something we all need a dose of from time to time.
* Never pass up the opportunity to share what Christ has done in your life with those around you-even in your darkest hours.
* You may not always have the right words, but you can always be available.
* We have so much, and take it for granted too often
* Prayer is more powerful than we think
* It takes three to make a marriage last (one should know that's been married 60 years): you, your carefully chosen one, and the Lord
* Tears are NOT a sign of weakness
* It takes more strength to receive kindness and help than it does to give it
* Everyone deserves a second chance and a healthy dose of respect
* Life is too short to live in any other way but to cherish each day that has been given to us
* I have an incredible, incredible family heritage-and this is only by God's GRACE

I also experienced something incredible today.

My Grandpa Miller (my mom's dad), came to visit Grandpa Morgan. He didn't want to be a bother, but wanted to encourage Grandpa Morgan. So what did he do? He asked if he could pray with him. So there I sat, listening to one grandpa pray for another grandpa, and I saw a glimpse of heaven. Two men, who love the Lord with all their heart, who raised Godly children that found each other, and who have had children and grandchildren of their own that have chosen to follow the Lord. It brought tears to my eyes.

It is by God's grace that I am a part of that heritage. May it not stop with me, but may the Lord see to it that we continue to walk with Him to bring up the next generation in a Godly way.

Thank you Grandpa for these needed reminders today. We pray you continue to gain strength, so you can continue to serve our Lord! As you said today, "I'm not sure why I'm here, but I guess God's not finished with me yet!"

A New Beginning

Hello blog world! I'm sorry it's been so long since I last posted. I have decided that I want to get back into sharing my thoughts, as I think it is medicine to my soul!

Kayla is almost 5 months now, and she fills our lives with so much love! It has been some of the most challenging 5 months, but also some of the most rewarding. She hasn't been an "easy" baby at all-in fact, quite the opposite! We have dealt with reflux, and with that has come quite a bit of uneasiness on her part. You could just tell she didn't feel good for so long. Then we were able to put her on some medication, which has helped! I think she is beginning to grow out of it, which we are thankful for. Her demeanor is just different-she seems so much happier!

She is a little me. Of which, I feel sorry for her! :) You can tell she has a "go, go, go" personality, which also presents it's challenges. Sleep, ah sleep. What's that?! She is not a great napper-I've tried all the tricks of the trade, and I have come to realize that she is one of those babies that doesn't want to miss out on anything, and doesn't require as much sleep. So, we just tackle each day as it comes!

I keep reminding myself how thankful I am for my time on bed rest-I knew I was storing up for the future. So I'm trying to tap into that reserve right now!

So many joys come with being a mom, and I feel so incredibly grateful that God has entrusted us to care for Kayla.

Grace has a whole new meaning in my life now.

It is because of his Grace that we live and breath and have life.
It is because of his Grace that I have an incredible husband who is very supportive and loving.
It is because of his Grace that we have a beautiful and healthy baby
It is because of his Grace that I have the strength to make it through the days (and nights)when I feel as if I have nothing left to give
It is because of his Grace that I have the ability to pursue the things I love and enjoy
It is because of his Grace that I was born here in America into a loving, caring family
It is because of his Grace that I have an incredible extended family who loves on Ben, Kayla and I


Well, those are my random thoughts for now. More to come later. For now, though, I choose to live in His Grace for today. Not to be overwhelmed by the night ahead of me, by the lack of sleep I get, by the piles of things "to do," but to live in THIS MOMENT. For we never get the days and moments back, so why do we try and rush through them?

Today is the day the Lord has made!

Kayla Grace Kovanda

Here I sit in a quiet, empty house, with my sweet baby girl sleeping soundly in her bassinet. So, blog, here I go...

Our beautiful miracle baby was born last Wednesday, September 1st at 8:52pm! She weighed 5lbs, 11 oz and was 19 inches long.

The last 10 days have been some of the most incredible days of my life. Maybe I am in the "honeymoon" phase of being a new mom, but I love everything about being a mom. Snuggles with my sweet girl, even the late night feedings and sleepless nights. It's all worth it when I look into her eyes and am reminded each time that life is truly a gift-and one that we can't or shouldn't take for granted.

May 1st of this year, we weren't sure if we would ever get to hold and love on our sweet girl. We committed her into the Lord's hands each day and prayed that we would have the privilege and opportunity to get to raise her. God always answers our prayers-but sometimes they are not as WE would hope. Just 4 months later, on September 1st, He answered our prayers as we had hoped as we welcomed her into this world.

He answered our prayers in more ways than we could have hoped for. I feel unworthy and so blessed to have this opportunity. Each time I look at her, I just can't believe He has entrusted her to us. What a privilege and responsibility.

It is strange not being pregnant. Besides the stress of not knowing if everything was going to be ok, I really loved being pregnant. It was such an amazing experience to feel her growing and moving inside me. Now, sometimes, I look at where my belly was and wonder if it will move. Ha!

My labor and delivery went pretty well. We ended up going up to the hospital in the very early hours of the morning on the 1st because I was having really bad upper abdominal pain, and I wasn't sure what it was. By the time we got to the hospital, I was having more contractions, but baby's heart rate dropped. The doctor didn't want me to go home as I was over 38 weeks. And of all weeks...my doctor was on vacation. After all we had been through-and now he wasn't here to deliver my baby. I was devastated, but realized that everything happens in God's timing, and for some reason, His timing was for us to have this baby without our doctor. We were so thankful for Dr. Hilton, though-he was great!

Anyway, I had to be induced, which baby's heart rate didn't like. I was taken off the pit at one point for her to recover. I labored for a few hours without my epidural, but with the pit, the contractions were coming really intensely, every 2ish minutes. He said it could take all day. I decided at that point that if I wanted to have any energy left for delivery, I needed some medication! Dr. Fern was right, though. He said the pain I experienced from my ovarian torsion would be worse than my labor and delivery. I would take the labor and delivery pain over my torsion pain any day!

Once we let her heart rate recover, they put me back on the pit and increased it very slowly. It took most of the day to dialate from a 2 to a 4. By 7pm, the doctor came and broke my water. Within 10 minutes, I was dilated to a 9! Things started happening very fast. There are several details I don't really need to go in to, but I ended up pushing for about an hour and a half, and Kayla arrived at 8:52pm! I was so thankful to have had her vaginally. There were several points throughout the day that pointed to us possibly having a c-section. Let's just say it was a very real possibility. I ended up having a placental abruption (which is what was causing my bleeding all day), and that was another reason he wanted to get my labor going.

She is beautiful. She is loved. Her grandparents and aunt and uncle were there to welcome her into this big world. Mommy's heart couldn't get any fuller than when I watched her daddy hold her and then give her to me for the first time. I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

So for now, we eat, we sleep and she poops a lot. :) We love. And then love some more. We count it all joy for we know that "every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the father of lights" James 1:17